~+>Blue's Journal

Oct 1st, 2009 – Recall

Blue — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 10:47:43 +0000

Another month has gone by; little if any changes have happened with regards to work and my daily routine. I did get a chance to work a few 6-days weeks for OT. There are more changes with how I do things at work; a day without a change would be something unusual. At the apartment I have been trying to do the little things to help keep things up; i wash dishes one day, take care of the garbage the next, vacuum a room on day three. Chris is still here; as much as I want to help him get out I just can’t press the line right now. Soon, but I don’t know when.

AT&T – 365 days later

One noteworthy thing to say about today; I started my current job with AT&T one year ago today. I made it to the 12 month mark; in terms of the contract i work under this solidifies many of the protections that have been bargained for; unforegettable is that, thanks to that contract, today there is a raise I am entitled to for my year of service. Also, The company going forward will match 100% of the first 6% of my contributions to my 401k. Thus far, I have 3 years and 1 months of vested time with the company; if I can make it to 5 years I secure a pension and I become fully vested in the company contributions. In terms of seniority I still only have 1 year with the company; another 4 more years and the original 2yrs and 1mth from BellSouth will bridge [be added] and I will end up instantly with 7yrs of service.

AT&T has been a great company to me and in turn I have given 110% in my duties in the titles I’ve held. While I have disagreements with some polices or procedures at times, I still stand behind my employer as I believe there is some good in what I can to to enrich people’s lives. Back in 2006 I helped the online users group DSLReports.com learn about Stand-Alone [Dry Loop] DSL. Even though I was a sales associate at that time I did not abuse or solicit those that participated; I helped others learn how to get a service they wanted. In the recent months on DSLReports.com and UVerseUsers.com I have taken my available time at work to help customers that have installation issue or problems getting recognized in our ordering system. I enjoy what I do; I know what its like to feel lost in the system.

With this time under my belt and with my goal in mind, I am looking forward to continuing my career in this field. I won’t lie when people ask me what I want to do; I really want to work in the field, with people and outside. The office work is nice; alas, my yearning is to be moving and not just sitting around all day. Recently, some labor negotiations have been settled and I foresee a chance for advancement soon; timing is key though. I want to return to school in the spring if I can, but I also want to keep my options open just in case the right opportunity falls in my lap.

School - 52 weeks later

A little more than year ago I graduated from from Brookehaven College with my Associates Degree in Science; I had high plans with UT-D, but i fumbled them up by trying to do too much at one time. Also Hurricanes Gustav and Ike last year also threw a few wrenches in my plans. I do not blame any one for my actions or lack their of; rather I look back and reflect upon some past experience. I left LSU around the time Hurricanes Katrina & Rita blew threw in 2005 and ended up landing a job with BellSouth; three years later I took a break from UT-D and ended up back with AT&T. A lot of people I see at arms length from my High School either took a leap and went 4-5 years all the way through for a degree and other chose to live life and hold of a little while on college life. I have taken a mixed approach and I believe that in doing so I have been able to engage in many things I wanted to but not at the expense of an education or some real life experience.

I am not going to repeat some mistakes of before like I did at BellSouth and LSU; this time i am going to take a one-at-a-time approach. The little steps add up over time; I can thank John and my family for reminding me of those virtues. in numbers of year its only been 3 year since I was in a similar position; but where as I used to be quite impulsive, these days i try and use some reasonable judgement first. Looking back, there where many opportunities I didn’t not fully recognize when I was in Baton Rouge; but here in Dallas I see many similarities, and I am not going to miss out.

Relationship – 12 months later

I have come full circle in this area; one year ago I was single. Since then I met someone, we dated, i had my heart broken and I’ve mostly recouped. Carlos and I lasted just shy of the length of time Tim and I dated. The circumstances of the ending of each relationship are nearly polar opposites, yet I have the same feelings. the first few days after finality I was down, but then bounced right back up; I still long for some sexual action, but I can control those urges thanks to the Internet. The last time I spoke in either case was on a cellphone as i walked around the apartment i was living in, and both times I have had to arrange for my ex’s items to be delivered to them.

In the mix of this there is one person I have on my mind; ironically its the same person that was on my mind from before. My best friend is very supportive and ready to step in at a moment’s notice if need be. My family thinks something seriously is wrong, but at the some time I know the are just trying to reach out and understand and help. In the end, things will work out; though this time I have my heart set on a promise I made to someone. the theme to most of this little paragraphs thus far has been that I don’t want to repeat some bad choices before. This time I am going to stand behind my promise; even if it is one of the hardest set of emotions I have to deal with.

Finances – I’m sure you catch the drift by now

Moving forward here; this part of my life seems to have a cyclical pattern. There are the high points; then there are the low points. In the last year, I am happy to say I have reduced my debt load nearly $8,000. That sounds great right? It is a little bigger than a 10% cut into my paper pile; alas, I am in the red still $61,000+ including my car, student loans, old bills, and medical bills since I was 18.

I’ve gotten used to working with bill collectors these days. I pay a debt when I can; I still overdraft my bank accounts. I do save money, but most of my savings dries up within a few months when I find something that needs to be paid. I will say one thing though; if there was one thing in this part of my life I could change it would be to not take out the nearly $40,000 in student loans I have. I am proud of the work I have accomplished in my education, however, the price tag is one I wish I could/would have negotiated better.

The positive side to this all is the little things i defaulted on when I was 18 and 19 are coming up soon to be dropped from my credit reports; I am still fighting a lot of those entries, but much like my savings account, I attack the little things when I can and have the time.

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Historical thoughts aside for now. I plan on taking a little trip again soon; my recent road trip to California really helped me put some things together. I want to keep my momentum; therefore, I am going to keep writing here and remind myself each day to do just one thing at a time. I will reach each goal; I know that drive is within me.

Labor Day Weekend….

Blue — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 06:57:46 +0000

As if things at my job couldn’t get any more complicated..

I ended up having a 4 day weekend for Labor Day. Most people would rejoice for havin a long weekend; however, I dislike the setup. Why you ask? Here’s why…

If you read my lengthy post about whats been going on in my workplace, we are going through a schedule change as apart of a re-organization. Our work weeks run Sunday to Saturday. Up until this last weekend my days off work Tuesday and Saturday; for this new schedule I will be off Sunday and Tuesday. The schedule change look place on Labor Day weekend; Labor Day is always the 1st Monday of Sept, and the 7th [this last Monday] was the first Monday in Sept this year.

Usually I work on holiday’s for the extra money; unfortunely, there were many people above me that volunetered this Holiday and I did not make the list. Therefore, my weekend resulted in being off: Saturday, Sept. 5th due to my old schedule; Sunday, Sept. 6th, due to my new schedule; Monday, Sept. 7th, because I did not make the list for Holiday work; and Tuesday, Sept. 8th also due to my new schedule. Thus 4 days off…

I went to visit my family for the long weekend; most of my time was spent jsut relaxing and visiting with family. Not much is new in Silsbee aside from a few new resturants. It was nice to share some time with my family, though after about day 4 I was in need of my routine at work. I got back to Dallas early Wednsday morning and got back to work. No OT this week, just straight pay. Sigh…

Senority, Tour Selections, & Over-Management

Blue — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 09:40:54 +0000

As of lately my job makes little since… here is why…..

Here is the background:

In the UVDC there is only one title: Dispatcher. The scope of work for our title is pretty simple: we speak to customers, internal and occasionally external, of the company that call for dispatch information; we are to help in the timely dispatch of installs & repairs either by calling customers and informing them of the tickets status or calling techs/managers to get the PLD jobs out; and we are to look over JEPs and handle ticket as needed.

In our center there are 6 area managers [AMs], each of these AMs has a market they are over or a specific center related fuction; there is an AM responsible for the Southeast, one for Texas/MOKA, & one for the West. There are two AMs that are over the JEPs team and dispatchers who only take calls and one final AM that is over the Force to Load managers who use the lovely spreadsheets to figure out movements and the commits for techs.

Each of these AMs have an average of five 1st line managers; for the 1st lines under the AMs with a specific market the 1st lines have the cities/small areas; for the 1st lines over the JEPs & Call-Taking Dispatchers each of these have an area they are apart of; and the final managers that are for Force-to-Load these managers have specific areas they have calculations for.

Down to my level, only 5 of the AMs have 1st line managers that have direct report employees [Dispatchers]. Of these 1st lines each one has about six they are over. If you aren’t good at following numbers:

6 – Area Managers x 5 – 1st Lines /w employees x 6 – Direct Reports = 180 Dispatchers

Now, i have worked in another part of the company and I have spoke to several of my co-workers who also have come from a variety of other places; I came from support/sales, they are from special services, MLAC, TTY, technical support, etc. None of us can recall a time when we were working for the company when 1st lines only had 6 employees and/or a center of 180 people had 6 Area Managers & 30 1st lines.

Moving forward, the following is within our contract on how work schedules are to be posted:

Insofar as the needs of the business and the abilities of the employees permit, Net Credited Service will be the deciding factor when assigning work schedules. Determination of the “needs of the business and the abilities of the employees” rests solely with management.

Consequently, there has been a recent upheaval to the processes used to select a tour; it goes so far as to restrict movement if dispatchers into different job assignments.

To paint the picture, let me explain how tour selection WAS set up. The collection of dispatchers in the UVDC are treated as one work center; for the most part, everyone is trained and able to work any particular assignment/project we have. There are 3 groups: JEPs/Offline Dispatchers, Loader/Controller Dispatchers, & ACD/Call Taking Dispatchers. There are 6 tours within the center: 5a – 2p; 6a – 3p; 8a – 5p; 11a – 8p; 1p – 10p; & 2p – 11p; each of these slots corresponed to a specific group. In the past there were shifts available that allowed for have Saturday and Sunday off; for the past year these tours have been gone. When time came for tour selections one manager when around in order of senority and allowed the dispatcher to pick a tour and off days. Since the center only has these certain slots when you picked your tour and scheduled days off this determined the work group you were in; in some time slots the groups overlapped so you could choose which one you wanted to work in.

Ex 1. If you chose 5a – 2p this is a tour specifically for the Southeast area loaders/controllers & ACD/Call taking dispatchers.
Ex 2. If you chose 8a – 5p you could choose to work as a West area loader/controller or on the JEP/Offline group.

This system allows the most senior people to work 8 to 5 with Saturday & Sunday or whatever tour they wanted; in turn, the new people had to work what was available to them which did not always allow for what they wanted. This system would work in reverse when it comes to a forced time situation; as an example, if an insufficient amount of people volunteered to work on a holiday or overtime the people with the lowest seniority are forced to work. Most of us know this as working our way up to pole or earning our time in title.

Still following? GOOD JOB!

Here is the situation:

Six months ago, a new arrangement was put in place during our tour selection; each dispatcher was asked to make a commitment of six months within a specific job assignment of either: JEPs/offline, Loader/Controller, or ACD/Call taking dispatchers. We were told that during the six months we would not be allowed to transfer out, but at the end of the commitment we could leave to go to another. What this meant for most of us is that when we picked our tours we knew that for six months we would work a specific area [JEPs in Atlanta, Load for San Diego, taking calls only]; also, during the six months we could move to another geographical area when tours selection came around but only doing the same type of work: If you were on the JEPs team you could change to working JEPs in Miami; as a Loader you could change to being a loader/controller over Houston; you could choose to take calls fro 5a to 2p instead of 1p to 10p.

The previous system allowed us the ability to change job assignments when tour selections came around; the new system restricted our movement between job assignments, but still allowed the freedom of what time of day we worked and what days off we had.

In the last four weeks there have been some very serious upheavals to how the aforementioned phrase in our contract is used. Our management sent a message out to the center announcing that there was a need of four dispatchers to work a special project going forward; if we were interested we were told to send a positive response by a certain day. Several days after the date passed, management made the announcement to the center of who was selected. Of the four dispatchers that were chosen only 1 had 1+yr seniority; the other 3 had <6 months seniority; the announcement lead many of the more senior dispatchers to question why they were not chosen. What we all were told is that “The needs of the business dictate your current assignment as critical function with no backup and you have been deemed non-releasable by your Area Manager.” The dispatchers that were chosen all had been in the ACD/Call taking work group; where as myself and others are on the Load/Control & JEPs/Offline groups. The viewpoint all of us now have is that we are punished for taking a specific job assignment. We as dispatchers do not get to pick how many people work on our shift, in our workgroup, or weather we have backups on our team. This all comes at a time when were were told in the past that we would be given the option to move to another workgroup, however, in this case we are being told that we cannot move to another job assignment because of managements poor planning.

The way others and myself would approach this is simple logic. If the more senior people wish to move the new job assignment then train the less senior people for the function the more senior people are leaving. If you were to move a less senior person into the new job assignment you would have to train them as well; therefore, those of us who have greater seniority do not understand why after this was brought to their attention, they still think that doing so is an alternative that is not viable.

To further complicate our days, management in this recent time has also attach guidelines to our new tours; which ever job assignment we so choose it is that job function we will remain in indefinitely.

Ex 1. If you chose 6a to 2p as a Loader/Controller you will remain under that job assignment & manager going forward.
Ex 2. If you chose 8a to 5p as a Call taking only dispatcher, then you will stay in that group going forward.

Essentially, that means we all would have a certain function and geographical area we could work and we could only move between working a morning time slot and an afternoon time slot in that job assignment and geographical area.

Ex 3. When the next tour selections come around as a Loader/Controller in the TX/MOKA area I can choose to work 6a – 3p or 1p – 10p.
Ex 4. Next tour selection in the JEP/Offline group I can either work 8a – 5a or 11a – 8p shift.

During this last round of tour selections we were not able to chose off days at the same time; it was only AFTER we picked our tours we learned that ACD/call taking only dispatchers were going to be able to have Saturdays and Sundays off. As loaders/controllers we would be forced Saturdays and Split days off [there aren't consecutive days off like Wed/Thurs or Sun/Mon for any loaders.] Personally, I just wanted Saturday off and would take any other day; however, many of the higher seniority people that chose a load/control shift are beyond PO. The higher seniority people wanted Sat/Sun but can not get it because the new guidelines will not allow them to move to the ACD/Call taking only job group now that the choose their tours; they feel very much rolled over because they were not made aware of the off days at the same time tour selection as it may have changed their choice.

Within the center of 180 people, nearly 100 are loaders/controllers; only a rare few [usually 3 in each area] the of new load/control tours allow for a Saturday off in any fashion. In the ACD/Call taking group has about 40 people and their tours are allowing 80% of their team to be off Saturdays; the 20% that is working on Saturday is being forced 2hrs of OT. Contained in these newest guidelines we have been told that the Load/Control group would spend less time taking calls and more time to allow for managing our areas [status our customers, sending pages, roll call for techs] and their would be an increased capacity of ACD/Call taking only Dispatches to handle the inbound call queues.

How is it reasonable to allow 32 people off on a Saturday and force 8 people to a 10hr day? Would it not make more sense [and cost less] to pay 2 people regular pay to cover the amount of hours? The math here is 8 ppl * 10 hrs = 80 worked hours; why not 10 ppl * 8 hrs = 80 worked hours. Ten people can take more calls in 8hrs than eight people can in 10hrs; reason being is you would have more people in the peak of the day and can therefore grab more of whats in queue. Also 7-8hrs of calls is mentally draining; forcing 2-3 more hrs you reduce the quality of the call and people take longer on each call as to not have to take another.

Also, in this case of OT, there are some dispatchers that like to work a lot of OT. Up until this most recent bid, we all were forced an equal amount of OT; when additional people were need volunteers were taken and if there were not enough volunteers the bottom people were forced OT. Now will all the guidelines and rules in place, within the center there are some groups that work more OT than others; since the changes limit our movement from job assignment some people are working OT they don’t want when there are volunteers that are sitting on the sidelines.

For those of you who may think outside the box as I did and see a little of management pushing an edge on contract wording; the phrase above does give them the ability to say that, “You abilities are Taking Calls you do not have the abilities needed in the JEP group” and then later say, “You abilities going forward are working as a Loader/controller and you no longer have the ability to work on the ACD/Call Taking group.” Eventually, there is a point there the company ends up having to shoot itself and by its own actions proving that its actions are counter-productive.

I.E. Dispatcher in this new tour moves from Group C to work in Group A for 6 weeks; along the way is “loaned” to Group B for 3 weeks; there are only three groups: A, B, & C. If dispatcher has worked in these three groups he/she now has the abilities of each of the group; the company can try and say the dispatcher doesn’t have such abilities of one of the groups, but by its own actions proves he/she does. Getting a confession of this would not happy, but a little simple logic shows the company really is not thinking clearly.

*whew*

For anyone that has read ALL of this you now have a good idea of what goes on in the UVDC; lots of managers everywhere, but never one around when you need one. Managers stepping on top of other managers; none of which can agree on how to do something that isn’t written in an M&P. Other managers who don’t even know what that M&P is or even how to use the systems we as dispatchers must use. Rules and guidelines everywhere none of which make logical sense.

Looking into a Mirror….

Blue — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 11:05:05 +0000

I saw myself for the first time today in over 5 years….

My trip to California has helped me think a little more clearly about how I should approach things in my life. I wrote a few days ago as a small hint of how I have lived life over the past 5 years. I moved to Louisiana on June 19th, 2004; I was living life how I wanted. I moved to Crowley, LA and had a job at a local Winn-Dixie; I partied some, but also was moving towards getting into College. Life to me was a lot different back then and I have grown up and experienced a lot since then. However, even with all the events and emotions I have gone though; a little bit of that spirit I had when I was 17 and moved out of my parents house still drives me today.

I spent a lot of today just going back to some of the core things I enjoy and that may me who I am. I set a little bit of a mental plan in place but its time I put it down in e-paper so I can remember:

Photography – Think back to the 1990s; when you were just learning house to use one | Sometimes you need a visual clue to capture an idea
Transportation – Your car is important; but remember there are many other ways to get places
The City – The Human interpretation of environment
Technology – Texting in 1998; DSL in 2001; Digital Camera in 2003; handheld mobile computer in 2006 | Your tools in life that help record your journey
Family – You love them and know that who you are is because of them; even if they do not always take all thier pieces to understand you.
Logic – Putting things in order; one asset you use well, but one that you also mis-use deliberately when it suits you best.
Money – Something you should better take hold of in a responsible manner or else you will always feel like you are going no where
Learning – Reading and Researching is something you do daily; think back to Telecommunications, learning HTML, why’s Corollas > Civics
Career – This is something you have worked at a long time; waiting sucks, but the position will come
True Friends - The ones you know and keep close at heart; the people you know are capable of great things; the people who help you resonate each other’s souls
Independence – Remember, there is a fine line that you walk from being hard on times needing help and just not putting in the effort to try go it alone when you blind
Blue – not just a wavelength of energy with a width of 475 nanometers; you have made this color a corner stone of your life.
Direction – Not just knowing where you are going; but also understanding where you are going. Traveling you have a map & in your soul you have your heart and mind.
History – Not just the past; but how you imagine the future | Science Fiction, Theories on the Universe, Theology, Politics

My Remaining Days in California….

Blue — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 07:14:05 +0000

So I took a huge leap…. something I do not normally do…..

Shorty after my last post I asked Brandon if he did not mind taking a few minutes to talk with me. The conversation we had was about an hour and a half; the topics covered carried into a lot of things I have held deep in my heart and in mind for some time. I will say in the the mix I have been attracted to and cared a lot about Brandon; I had a 2nd broken heart feeling, but not one that is unrepairable.

In the end, I discovered I was caught up in the mix of personal emotions and feelings that I was not dealing with, I was not taking into account a lot of things that needed to be resolved in my life, and at a precipice of trying to push away being the reserved individual i have tried to be for others without taking into account my own needs. Sadly, another chapter between Brandon and I was closed in the mix of me trying to deal with all these things, but another chapter begins as it has in the past. I can relish and be humble that if the moments in time were Brandon and I have been in proximity to one another; I have been shown that there is a time and place for everything and sometimes what we want is not what we need. What we dream is not always unattainable, but it requires us to persevere against the challenges, internally or in reality, that keep us from realizing what is in our heart, soul, and mind.

Back to My Road Trip

I left Seaside, CA around 11:30p that night and started the rest of my trip; I drove into San Jose & San Francisco to the Golden Gate Bridge. [Trackr: Seaside to Sausalito ] I stayed the night at Dana Point which is right at the end of the Golden Gate Bridge. I took a few pictures the next morning but the start of the day was quite foggy; I was only able to catch the road deck and a small portion of the super structure.

I spent about an hour that morning around the park trying to get some pictures and then I decided to head to Southern California. [Trackr: Tracy to Los Angeles ]. I got into Los Angeles County around 1:30p and first went to Hollywood just to be able to say I had been there. I also wanted to go somewhere in the hills to get some good panoramic shots of the area; thanks to the Internet and Yahoo Answers [ Question: Where is the best viewpoint/outlook around Los Angeles for a panoramic picture? ] I went to Griffin Park and was able to take several beautiful pictures.

Side bar: since I started working for AT&T in the UVerse Dispatch Center I have been a Dispatcher for the San Diego market. I have flown into San Diego on Southwest before, but I had never been out in the city before. I knew a lot of the area map wise because of seeing techs and their where they were on their jobs each day; however, not having been in the area first hand, I did not always understand the geographical challenges they face some of the technicians that I work with on a daily biases. As my day in Los Angeles started to grow later, around 4:30p I started towards my last major city on the trip: San Diego, CA. [Trackr: Los Angeles to San Diego ]

I got caught in world famous Los Angeles & Orange County rush hour traffic; although I did manage to make it into San Diego County to take my final sunset pictures of my trip. I stopped in Oceanside to take a picture, and I also stopped on the side of the highway in Escondido to take some cool nighttime freeway shots. I ate are Chioptle in Mira Mesa and it was here I decided to treat myself a little bit on this trip. I had not really planned on staying anywhere on San Diego so I hoped on Hotwire.com and got an awesome deal: $78 for a 4-Star hotel on the bay in downtown S.D. The hotel was the Manchester Grand Hyatt [ Link: Manchester Grand Hyatt San Diego ]. As I walked in and saw this place I was amazed; I have never stayed in a nice hotel before; I ended up with a room on the 25th floor looking over the bay.

I got a great night of sleep in the very comfortable bed; I have to admit of all the places I have slept in my life that bed came very close to being like my own. Upon waking up Thursday morning and checking out of my Hotel, I went to meet of the guys I work with in S.D.; his name is Brandon Belmudes [Facebook: Brandon Belmudes] and he is one of the technicians that I usually end up talking to throughout my day. There has always been this restaurant him and another tech I know go to called Wings n Things; for my Louisiana and Texas friends its almost like a Wing Stop, but a litter different and the wings are like 10x better. Putting a face to a name makes working with someone more fun IMHO. Brandon introduced me to the garage he works; in terms of my work area its one of 5 that I dispatch techs from/to each day. I got to meet a few of the other techs and one of the managers and also got to sit in on a little of their start to the day; I got there as the time the PM technicians where starting their shifts. Sadly, this was the last of my stops on vacation and had to start heading back to Texas.

Pictures & Tracks

You can visit this link to see the pictures of my trip:
Flickr: California Road Trip (August 22nd – 27th 2009)

The below links are the GPS tracks of my Trip:

Trackr! -
Day 1 – Road Trip to CA
Day 2 – Road Trip to CA
Day 3 – Looking for Brandon
Day 4 – Visiting S.F.
Day 5 – Headed to SoCal
Day 5 – Down to S.D.
Day 6 – Last Day in Cali
Day 7 – Drive back to TX

August 25th – Lost by the Sea next to the Lighthouse….

Blue — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 02:07:36 +0000

August 25th – Day 4

Astonished and jubilant I was last night at around 8:45p. I finally heard back from Brandon;; of all times to catch he he was on a camping trip for the past week. He was staying in Seaside, CA at a hotel room as he had several things to the next morning [which would be today].

I headed over to see him and i told him a little about what had gone on; for some strange reason I find it is easier to write here in my blog than it is to convey things in person. We had a long talk about many things. Although about half way into the night he said to me, “Tension is who you think you should be; relaxation is who you are.”

The first thought that popped in my head was perplexing; and then I was speechless. Brandon has this way of doing that to me, i don’t know how he does it but he always has advice or wisdom that i really have to digest. As we [I] talked things out alot of what was going on and has been going on in my life started to make since.

Brandon and I stayed up until after midnight talking; sadly though, the one things i was trying so hard to say i just could talk myself into, nor for some reason just blurt out. If you couldn’t tell from the last post, in my little soul search I chose to come here because I knew Brandon would be able to help me bring some sense to order; however, the powerful statement that i have been trying to comprehend has and is wrenching at my heart.

To look at things like I am let me take a moment and explain my thought process. There are a number of things I want to do and things i enjoy in life that I have placed on a backburnner thus far in my journey. I have been nearly self-less to each person I have met in life in ways some people, such as my family, cannot fathom. I give my last dollar to my friends who are in need, I am willing to help others over my own needs. I have gone days without eating to ensure others are fed. I will even go so far to say that i have lied to someone about feelings I had simply because a friend of mine wanted to have sex with the person I was interested in.

I have had my moments where I have chased after what I love in life, but I’ve been called reckless and I’ve been told that the way i like to do some things is odd or crazy. So, in lieu of others thoughts and feelings I have kept a little bottle of me that gets to escape only rarely; my journey out here has lead me to a point where my sub-conscious thoughts and desires have taken me to where I really want to be.

To relate this back to what Brandon said, I have always put who I think I should be for others before myself and who I really am and what I want to be. Not to sound as if I should be selfish as opposed to selfless; rather, I should not have to hide behind a veil just because of others may not accept who or what I am. The harsh thing about this realization, or alternative viewpoint, is the feelings and actions I may soon take may cause some big ripples in the pond I call life. It is also a cold fact that my mother told me much of the same things when i was a young teenager; I guess it took hard life experience to realize that both she and Brandon were right.

One things I should also say is that during my soul search there is one thing i want to try and settle; and well, i really tried today, but each time i wanted to try and approach the situation I have been a little perplexed on what to say and how to say what i am thinking and feeling. With Brandon’s advice and my own fresh perspective I am going to face things as head on as I can; I feel it is better for me to either mend or replace my hearts flutter now before I more damage and more years go by.

August 24th, 2009 – In California….

Blue — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 01:12:20 +0000

Its been 19 months since I last posted here….

I’ve been in Dallas since January of 2008. I spent some time in school and got my Associates Degree from Brookhaven College in Farmers Branch. I also had a short 6 months working for Countrywide Financial in the middle of the mortgage crisis of ‘08. I Started working for AT&T in Oct. of 2008 as a dispatcher for AT&T UVerse. I also dated a wonderful guy who broke my heart and lead me to where I landed today; on the road & searching my heart.

The Trip

Most of my co-workers think of me as the rational person, I plan my day out, I follow a the rules and use regulations when need be to get things done or to make a point; most of them don’t think of me as a person who would just up and leave. John knows that I have a random side, it comes out when I am faced with an opportunity to break out of my usual little box. Chris thinks that what I am doing is reckless. When I woke up Saturday, after taking care of a few things, I packed my bags and decided to just start driving. There were a few trips I had been wanting to take and I first drove north then west. I didn’t have alot of money, but I’ve taken trips on less before. The first day I drove from Carrollton, up to Amarillo on US 287, then west through New Mexico on I-40 and I stopped in Hallbrook, AZ to sleep [Trackr: Day 1 - Road Trip to CA ]. I woke up Sunday, August 23rd, and drove through Arizona, into California, I got off I-40 in Barstow and took CA-58 to Bakersfield. From there I took CA-68 to El Paso de Robles and then US-101 to Salinas, CA [Trackr: Day 2 - Road Trip to CA ].

Being a Hopeless Romantic

I have have talked to a few co-workers and Chris since I left Carrollton. I will say that once I got into California an idea, or I should say an old promise sprung into my head. There has always been one person who I’ve talked to when I have been in a relationship with someone and then broken up with them. Although John is my best friend, this side of my personality I do not believe I have shown even him all the true colors. This one person I have spoken to for a long time I have always been intreasted in, but time has never been on our side.I have have talked to a few co-workers and Chris since I left Carrollton. I will say that once I got into California an idea, or I should say an old promise sprung into my head. There has always been one person who I’ve talked to when I have been in a relationship with someone and then broken up with them. Although John is my best friend, this side of my personality I do not believe I have shown even him all the true colors. This one person I have spoken to for a long time I have always been intreasted in, but time has never been on our side.I met Brandon online when I was 17 and I first moved to Louisiana; we talked on and off for a long time.When I moved to Baton Rouge to go to LSU we talked more. At the time he was living in Leesville, LA and was in the National Guard; he also was not out to his family or friends back then. I finally got to meet him in person in the summer of 2005 when he took a vacation into town and stayed at my apartment for about a week. We went out to eat a few places and we seemed to click. After he went home we continued to talk online and on the phone at night we could catch each other in between the mix of things in life.

Later that year, in December of 2005, we had been talking and I told him about breaking up with my boyfriend, Tim. I told him I had a few extra days before Christmas and he offered for me to come visit; so I drove to Leesville to see him. I told him I would call him when I got into town; sadly, when I got into town his cellphone was not working. I went to where he was working and his co-workers said that I had just missed him by a few hours. I stayed in town overnight and left a few voice mails to let him know I was in town, but I left the next day to visit my family for X-Mas.

One day, about 3 months later, I got a phone call; It was him. I learned that he had lost his cellphone while out riding four-wheelers with his family. Just to hear him call again put a big smile on my face. He had gotten my number from my status messages on Yahoo; I usually left my number up just because back then it changed quite often. I didn’t get a chance to hear from him again for another 8 months until around November of 2006. He called me and told me he had moved to Angola, he had a boyfriend and they were working at the state prison.

At first I thought it was a little odd he was calling me often, though looking back, he was like I was the year before, in a relationship that wasn’t going so well and reaching out to someone he knew and would listen and relate. A few weeks into 2007, him and his boyfriend had a rather bad breakup and he came into Baton Rouge and stayed at my apartment for awhile. At this point in my life I had two roommates, Bret & Merc, and a this great guy I have as a friend, Chris, visiting me alot. I had a little two bedroom apartment in downtown Baton Rouge and we all made do with life for a few weeks.

Brandon had never been to Splash before; for a short time back in 2007 I was a photographer there. My times at Splash are the most vivid times of my short life I can remember; this point in my days is second only to my raves in high school which brought me to Louisiana. I have always been a little shy about making a move on someone I like, I won’t say that I am shy, but I would say a little more apprehensive than most people when I am trying to share my feelings with someone. Brandon had a few on and off relationships with guys while he was staying at my apartment, I didn’t really say much about any of them, but I think at one point I told him a little of how I felt, but I wanted to give him space. He moved into an apartment in Baton Rouge & we had a little falling out of a stupid financial matter. I falsely blamed him to many people, but in reality it was me who had made a mistake. Not long afterwards in June of 2006, I learned that he had moved to California.

For a long time I thought about the what-ifs and what might have beens. I worked for AT&T-SE until I was laid off; then moved to Dallas with John for school. I got my Associates Degree and even started working for AT&T again; then one day nearly a year and a half after we last had spoken Brandon called me. It was in October of 2008, right after I met Carlos. He caught me up on all the details of what he had been doing out in California, where he was working, and just alot of the details of his life that went in a year. The one thing about our conversation was one thing he said to me about the two of us. He had dated a few guys out in Cali, but things didn’t work out that well. He told me how he had really thought alot about what would have happened had the two of us really gotten together when he was in Baton Rouge.

I really was in a state of emotional ecstasy, but also disheartened; he lived nearly 1600 miles away in California and I was in a relationship. I made a silent promise to myself and to him I would find someway of getting out there to meet him. We talked on and off every few weeks; he and I both worked alot of hours, and him being 2 hours behind me it was hard to catch him. Though, in May of this year he popped up in my neck of the woods; he happened to be visiting family in Louisiana and Arkansas. In the middle of the night I drove 300 miles into the middle of Western Arkansas to pick him up; I drove him back to Carrollton, we got to visit for day or so, then I drove him back to Louisiana so he could finish his visit with his family. [GPS: To Mena, AR - May 16th, To Carrollton, TX - May 17th, & To Leesville, LA - May 18th]

He called me on my birthday which really surprised me, most of the times we play phone tag, but he called me and wished me happy birthday. I really wish I would have gotten to talk to him; I was at work when he called. Brandon was the first that day and one of only four who remembered my birthday. When I work up Saturday in Arizona and thought about what was ahead of me I set my mind on where I was going in California.

Sunday night, at about 11:30p Pacific Daylight Time I made it into Salinas, California. I only knew a few details about where Brandon worked; I knew he worked at Denny’s part time and a bank either in Salinas or Soledad. I went to each of the three Denny’s when I got into town and found the one he worked at a little after midnight Monday morning. Talking with a few of the servers I learned that Brandon was not working this week. After nearly a 800 mile drive Sunday, I went to the hotel next door and got some sleep.

I woke up Monday a little after 10:30a PDT; I took a little time to relax and watch the news. I got my things together and started my little trek to find Brandon. I started in Soledad which is about 25 miles south of Salinas; I went to First National Bank of Central California [FNBCC] and spoke with this sweet teller. She knew Brandon, but told me that he no longer worked at their branch. I did learn that he had transferred into Salinas. A short drive later and using a few trusty tools on my cellphone I found there are three FNBCC locations in Salinas.

I was lucky and hit the nail on the first stop at the downtown location; to my dismay, I had learned that he no longer worked at the bank. One customer who happened to be at the teller next to me was kinda enough to let me know she knew of him and that he worked at Denny’s. I took a few moments to converse with them about my little trek and they poked at my for my country accent and manners to each of them as I spoke; as I left I was a little discouraged that I was not able to find him on my own.

Side note, I tried to call him prior to my arrival but his phone went straight to voicemail each time. I tried in Arizona, as I crossed into California, and a few times while I was in Salinas. I have started to lose hope that I will find him. I sent a message to his phone letting him know I was at at a Starbucks in Salinas and started this entry at 5:30p on Monday evening in the reverie that he may call. [Trackr: Day 3 - Looking for Brandon ].

My Final Thought for Today

I like to think that I am a strong in ambition, decisiveness, and moral fortitude; however, on this soul search I feel that I should be humble of myself and not pretentious of any virtue within my life. One thing that makes each of us as humans unique and special is how each person absorbs life, within the mind interpret events and interactions, and paint on the canvas of our daily actions our understanding and impressions.

Another Month goes by….

Blue — Sun, 10 Feb 2008 23:56:00 +0000

instead of going through a detailed account i’m just going to kinda summarize most of it…. but a few details…..

After my 2nd week in school that Friday i drove back to Baton Rouge to pick up a U-Haul…. what was normally a 6 hrs drive turned into 8.5, the whole way from Dallas to Baton Rouge it was raining… Once i got back into town i had to make a stop in N Baton Rouge to finalize my unemployment, then cross town to pick up the U-Haul truck, and once that was done get my car and drive to Lafayette to pick John up from the airport. We got back to BTR and both passed out after a long week
Moving Day was January 26th, i woke up around 7:30 and started finishing putting things into boxes. In the mix of things i had to stop and get a moving dolly and furniture dolly. We started loading things into the Truck around 1:30, Bret and Merc stopped by and helped finish things out We left Baton Rouge by 4:30p. I left the apt mostly clean, empty never to be seen again. John drove the U-Haul to Lafayette where we met his Dad who drive John’s Car. A Stop for Gasoline, food and we were off, around 9:00 we stopped in Shreveport for Gasoline, and Got into Carrollton around 12:30.

John and I went to Wal-Mart for a late night collection of sleeping bags and a few things for the apt. back to the apt and then to sleep. We woke up around 9:00a the DirecTV guy came a day early and that was done by 11:30a. To get John’s dad back to Lafayette we had to drop him off at DFW which was an ordeal in itself, None the less Mr. C. Managed to get on his flight and make it back to LFT. The rest of the day john and I unloaded the UHaul.

The next week John was in Houston, it was his turn to move the following weekend. I drive to Silsbee that Thursday to visit family, and Friday i went to Houston to help John. We spent Friday Night getting his things packed, andÂ we went wal-mart for a few things and back to the apt to finish packing and also to pick up his moving truck. Sunday we got all his things loaded up and By the middle of the afternoon his room was cleaned out. and we loaded his truck. We left around 3:00p and got into Carrollton by 7:00. Uploaded his truck by 11 and then we went to drop off his moving truck that night.

12 Days that changed my life……

Blue — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 04:26:40 +0000

Last i wrote i had been up for about a day….. and was still trying to figure out what i was going to do with school, getting a job, and finding a place to live….

Then my life had quite a shake up…. This is quite a lengthy entry so i broke up each day…

Wednesday, January 9th, 2008

Later Wednsday morning (Jan 9th) I went to LSU and got copies of my transcripts, changed party affiliations, and decided to leave for Dallas. I got to John a’s hotel room about 10p and we caught dinner @ Whataburger.

Thursday, January 10th, 2008

The wheels set themselves in motion, once John and I had a chance to talk things seriously hit me that i needed to make some decisions and quick. I had been talking about moving to Dallas and kinda keeping it as an option but didn’t seriously think it through until i woke up Thursday morning.

I caught up on my sleep and then went to Brookhaven College. This small school is part of the Dallas County Community College District. This is wher ei was going to take care of the one things i life i still want to finish. The admissions and Advising took about 5 hrs but it was time well spent. 14 hs as an out of state resident is cheaper than LSU as a LA resident. The campus is 1/20th that of LSU and parking is hella easy i love it.

My GPA @ LSU suffered because of some poor decisions i made while trying to work and go to school full time and because i goofed off. In order to go to UT-A in the Aerospace Engineering program i have to have a 2.75 or better. At the moment my GPA is a 2.1 so this is school my stepping stone. I decided to get my GPA up and go ahead and get my Associates in Sciences in the process.

There was only one thing that kinda stuck out and this is what threw things into overdrive. Classes started on Jan. 14th, only 4 days away. John and I didn’t have a place yet, i still was trying to take of things back in BTR, and had to get a shit load of paperwork together for Federal Aid. After this time @ Brookhaven i went to get lunch and then back to the hotel room to pass out (Yeah, kinda a lazy day)

Once John got off work we went driving around Farmers Branch and Addison to see apartments, it wasn’t easy @ 8p @ night lol. We ate dinner @ Taco Beuno, that was my first time and last lol not the best quick serve tex-mex i’ve eaten, we had a little wake about what we were looking for (2 bedroom, Verizon FiOS, and nice part of town) also that he was gonna stay in Dallas through Sunday morning so we could look @ the apartments. I told him about school starting on the following Monday some great news and we kinda worked on the logistics and then went back to the hotel room.

Friday, January 11th, 2008

Now Friday was quite interesting. John and i woke up early. He went to work i started calling apartment complexes. I started @ 8:00a and didn’t stop until noon. I called 37 places and only got hits at 4 places that had Verizon FiOS. 3 in North Carrolton (Bella Vida at Coyote Creek, Springs of Indian Creek, GreenTree) and 1 in Coppell (Fairviews at RiverChase) I spent the afternoon bymyself scouting apartments, and ended up driving by and stopping at 3 others all right near each other that i had never seen online or through some other resources i had. These 3 were in Carrollton off Old Denton Rd. near Hebron Pkwy (Hillside, Rosemeade Townhomes, and Indian Creek). I went to all 7 over the course of 5 hrs. After which i went back to the hotel, John had just gotten off work. We sat down and i told him about each of the different places and we had a game plan for the next day.

Our evening was a little eventful, at first John didn’t want to go out to get food, but he had gotten a bottle of wine and some truffles @ work so he wanted to drink some of the wine. Now we are in a hotel room, no kitchen, hence no corkscrew so we ended up going to Wal-Mart, the only one i knew of so far in Farmers Branch off Midway Rd. @ I-635. We ordered pizza and while waiting John made an interesting stop @ a local convenience store (Click here for John’s entry, scroll to the bottom, the last paragraph and the Dialouge), picked it up, proceeded to go back eat out pizza, drink our wine, and then pass out.

Saturday, January 12th, 2008

We woke up about 10a and started out little trek into the world. We returned John’s rental car to DFW and then went apartment hunting. The first place was stopped at was my favorite, Rosemede Townhomes. There was a nice 2 bedroom with vaulted ceilings, a nice big balcony, and a place with a southern view for my dish. It was $860/mo and had 1 covered parking spot as, a big place 1080 sq/ft. John agreed, we also looked at a 3 bedroom which was nice @ $1030/mo, 1400 square feet, with 2 of the bedrooms upstairs.

Next we went to Bella Vida at Coyote Ridge. I thought it was my favorite but then had some reservations about the level of class in which i was put in and kinda moved it a few spots down my list. These were the most luxurious of all the complex i initially looked at. A 2 bedroom was $1059 a month with a 1 car garage, Marble countertops, hardwood floors in the kitchen. They had also an Awesome 3 bedroom setup $1450 a month a 3 story townhome. This complex had a clubhouse that had a sauna, tanning bed, billiards table, movie theatre, a free round of golf once a month. it was very upscale more than i was used to living in and seeing.

After that we went to Springs of Indian Creek, this was initially my 2nd choice only because of distance (Still not bad @ 11mi from school). This one ended up being John’s Favorite. 2 Bedroom @ $988/mo for 1089 sq/ft or a 3 bdrm for $1130 @ 1382 sq/ft. This complex i liked because it had a place to clean your car, there also was alot of parking, and is really close to a mall, shopping/grocery stores as well as food. We spent quite a bit of time here and it was worth it. By this time it was 2:30p so John and I went to get lunch to decided on things

Now i had a few concerns which kinda lead to a little tension between John and I. Ultimately John helped cool me down but i still was quite worried, some things i have done in my past still haunt me @ times. After lunch we went back to Springs of Indian Creek, we turned in our applications and deposit. We were told it would be Wednesday or Thursday of the next week before we’d hear back. Afterwards went back to the hotel, john took a little nap and i started getting quotes for insurance and other little things.

Dinner and the rest of the night was quite interesting. We went to dinner @ Ghengis Grill, John had a few drinks and then once we got back to the hotel room john finished the 1/5 of the bottle of wine that was left, and things got funny from there (Here is a picture from that night “John and Me by bluepoint951, on Flickr”), John and I had a few pillow fights, the also tried tickling me a few times, he kicked me off the bed and i landed pretty hard, he also had a Drunk Dial Episode with QVC ordering a 46″ LCD TV while in his underwear. Into the early morning hours we both pass out.

Sunday, January 13th, 2008

This day started quite a journey for me. After waking up, we packed, stopped for Gasoline, and then headed back to Houston. We started @ Noon, around 2:30 we stopped in a small town called Centerville, TX for lunch and ate @ a little placed called Texas Burger, a nice little joint, good food but quite unorganized. While we were driving i got a call from TJ and decided that for the next week i would be staying with him. After getting back into Houston we had to go to IAH to get John’s car. This is were we parted ways he went back to his Apt and I went to Silsbee to visit family and let them know of my plan. I got to Silsbee about 6p went to see Nana & Papa first then dinner with the ‘rents. I had to drive back to Dallas EARLY in the AM so i went to bed around 9p to wake up for 2:30a. Dallas to Silsbee via Houston was 328.9 miles.

Monday, January 14th, 2008

I woke up @ 2:30 as scheduled and left @ 3a. Silsbee, TX to Farmers Branch, TX was 296miles or 4hr and 40min of driving. My Classes on Monday & Wednesdays at 9:00a to 1:15p. I have a History class first and then Calculus. After classes i followed up on come job applications, got lunch, took a short nap, then drove to Palestine. I chilled surfing the internet while i waited for TJ to get off, We got dinner @ Taco Bell, then went back to his place, i went to sleep @ 11p.

Tuesday, January 15th, 2008

After a short 4 hrs of sleep i Woke up and drove back to Dallas for class. On Tuesday’s and Thursday’s i have classes @ 7:30a to 10:20a, First is my Speech class and then Art Appreciation. Once i was finished with classes i had to go by the apt complex John and I applied at and drop off some paperwork. I then drive back to Palestine, went to TJs and feel asleep for 5 hrs to catch up on the previous days that were lacking ample time. After that i woke up chilled with TJs roommate and quickly passed out again @ 11p

Wednsday, January 16th, 2008

This day was kinda quick, after driving to school, i drove back to Palestine and while on the way i got a call to attend a Testing event @ T-Mobile in Frisco the next day. After i got back into town i got an oil change, washed my car, and had dinner with TJ, went back to his place and passed out for my last night at his place.

Thursday, January 17th, 2008

Now Thursday was quite eventful. I left for School @ 5:00a and after my classed and printing my resume i went to Frisco to get ready for this event i was to go to for T-Mobile. Before going i had lunch @ Fuddruckers and had a chance to meet some ladies that worked @ one of the call centers, very nice and had alot of good to say about the work environment. I went in @ 1p and there little event took about 3 hrs there were several test i took, but things went well, my 3.5 years working in call centers helps with little things like these. After getting the good news i was told to come back on Monday for a face to face interview. Very good News :-D

After leaving Frisco i started to get myself back to the interstate to head back to LA when i got a call from John. We were approved for the Apartment. A a nice 3 bedroom place. I will take pictures once we sign the paperwork. Immediately i changed places to take care of things in Texas. To be hones ti was really excited once i got the news alot of eight that i was trying to shrug off was lifted. I decided to go to Silsbee for the night so I drove from Frisco, TX to Silsbee, TX via Kaufman, Jacksonville, and Kountze (some back roads) i spent most of my drive calling all my utilities companies in Louisiana to arrange for Disconnects, I called DirecTV to move my service, and put in change of address with Wireless from AT&T, Conns, and several other smaller places. After my hours of driving i got to chill with family, and then get a good night sleep into Friday.

Friday, January 18th, 2008

I was gonna get up around 8a or some from Silsbee catch breakfast and talk with my mom, unfortunately mother nature had some other plans i slept until noon and then left for LA. Once i got back into town i grabbed dinner and relaxed for a little while, i did a little packing but not much, after so much driving it was nice to be back at my apartment. i went to sleep @ midnight.

Saturday, January 19th & Sunday, January 20th, 2008

The weekend was quite interesting. I woke up @ 10a on Saturday and started backing, i put my Dish on the outside, started up the TV and started putting thigns into boxes. First was the living room, and the closet in the kitchen. As i went through putting things into boxes many things got thrown away. Papers, old non working items, broken items, things that just had been in piles. Also some of the newspapers i had planed on keeping came to good use as i was packing the kitchen. As i went along i spent quite a bit of time cleaning as well, some things in the kitchen and the closet had not been moved in 2 and a half years. I managed to get all of my living room, The Closet, Dining room, and kitchen packed. I still have to finish my bedroom and make sure things are clean before i leave this coming Saturday.

I had lunch Saturday afternoon, went to get a few things from wal-mart i needed. More packing. I had breakfast at Waffle House around 1a on Sunday morning, went home packed some more, drank several Red Bulls and worked through Sunday morning and Afternoon. I was up for 36 hrs. I caught dinner sunday night @ Whataburger and then passed out at 10:45p Sunday Night.

Monday, January 21st, 2008

I woke up @ 7:30 Monday, i had to be in Frisco for 3:30p, its a 6.5 hr drive that means i had to leave by 9:00a. Fortunatly i left @ 8:30a, made a few stops along the way I made it @ 3:15. My reason for being in Frisco was for my face to face interview @ T-Mobile. I think it went realy well, One of the guys i was interviewed by worked @ on of the Call Centers i used to work @ in Baton Rouge. Talk about a small world. I was told to expect a call in a week after a background check. They lady who helped me through my interviews really hit it off with me. I look forward to hearing back from here in a few days. I took time to catch dinner after i finished @ T-Mo and then got a hotel room in Farmers Branch. After all the driving between Palestine and Farmers Branch i needed something a little closer.

Tuesday, January 22nd, 2008

Today is Tuesday and i am kinda getting settled in @ school. I got my car inspected today, tomorrow i am going to go do all the registration stuff tomorrow. John also will be in town tomorrow so we get to chill and do all the things we need to on Thursday. This weekend will be the big move. I’m hella excited now.

So here I sit after these 12 days. I went from not know what was gonna happen, to getting enrolled @ school in Dallas, helping find and then getting a place to stay, and having a solid lead on a job. I’ve driven almost 2750 miles and spent about a day and a halves time of these 12 days in my car.

I’m off to catch dinner then sleep tomorrow i have class.

~+>Blue

Merging onto a New Highway

Blue — Wed, 09 Jan 2008 10:14:47 +0000

Life the past several weeks has been quite eventful…

John and I reconciled and chilled for the better half of a week. I finally got to sow the seeds and get over all that BS i kept myself in. I spent Saturday through Thursday in Centerville. We had a great time, time to chill with his mom, his sister and all. i went home for a shortwhile on New Years Day for get fresh clothes and to take care of a few things. John and i got to talk quite a bit deciding on a few things, trying to plan things, and get a get things straight. I plan on going to school sometime over the Spring semester and will be working on getting a job, so that has been key to how things have been built for planning for me.

I came home early Friday morning in anticipation of receiving my final paycheck from AT&T which didn’t happen, i was very pissed, i woke up to find out my final paycheck was going to be mailed to me and not Direct Deposited. Also AT&T moved to a new Payroll system and the checks are now mailed from St. Louis and sent the day of pay, not a few days earlier like with the BellSouth system.

The weekend I ended up working @ Splash Saturday night making a few $$s to take pictures of drunken people. I njoy working when i go out, gives me something to do so i don’t have to feel like i’m alone, and i also get cheap drinks if i want. i ended up with about 150 good shots out of 220 so i’m proud of my work.

Monday was the BCS Championship in New Orleans LSU vs Ohio State. Chris and I decided togo around 3:00, we stopped for food and got to NOLA around 4p. We were up and down Bourbon St. I was packed, lots of hot guys and gals, a sea of Red, White, Purple, and Gold. We ended up chilling @ this bar near Conti and Bourbon with some of Chris’s military friends. We both had a good time and left NOLA @ the Halftime mark. got back to BTR just in time to see the 38-24 victory by LSU.

After a long night i passed out and woke up a few times over the night once around 5:30a, another around 7:45a, again @ 9:30, and a final wake up @ 11:30a. I got some lunch and started cleaning up around the apt.
Bret and Merc finally started getting thier stuff out of the Apt. They still have some clothes, their computer, and a few other little things.

I have been working on my FAFSA and Transfer requirements. I am looking into one of two schools in the Dallas Metro area, Both are apart of the Dallas County Community College District. I have to get my transcripts from LSU and Lamar sent over to DCCCD, my aid will end up being student loans once again, but after getting my GPA up i fully intend on transferring to UTA back where i was originally going back in 2004. I am either going to end up in Aerospace Engineering or Electrical Engineering. I would love to follow a ream and work for major aerospace company, but I’ve also enjoyed quite a ride in the Telecommunications Industry, I’m sure there is something out there i will enjoy.

Today its around 4:00a, I plan on going in person to LSU and getting my transcripts sent off, then going my the Clerk of Court to change party affiliations to vote in the closed Primaries next month. After that, lunch, searching for a job here and in Dallas, and cleaning the apt, its still kinda a reck from Bret and Merc. I got one of my final checks from AT&T i found out form the union hall that my settlement check some separate from my final 2 weeks pay while i was employed. Fortunately i have enough cash to hold me over, strong financial planning :-)
I am off to read more news, and to stay up for to be a wake up call for John @ 6:20a…

One Love;
~+>Blue

P.S. LSU Tigers 2007 BCS National Champions

Changing Lanes, Taking an Exit , & On the Side of the Road

Blue — Mon, 31 Dec 2007 12:29:36 +0000

Changing Lanes

I am going to be straight forward for this part of my entry:

2 years and 3 weeks with AT&T-SE (BellSouth) are over.

Things at work have been headed towards an interchange; termination, promotion, or resignation.

I came back to work on the 26^th to what was a normal day. I had overtime at 7:45a so I went in a little early. I around 11:00a I was taken aside by one of my union stewards. The company approached the union about several people asking them to resign. For me their settlement was 3 weeks pay, $1000 in settlement, the chance to be rehire-able in any position other than sales, and uncontested unemployment benefits.

Given the environment I have been in at work that was the best option. Had I chosen not take the settlement form the company I would be working until about 3 weeks into January and been terminated for performance and been un-rehire-able anywhere within the company, or look for a promotion in the company by bidding on jobs with guys that have 5+ yrs in seniority. At least this way I have an opportunity to get paid without the work and not lose out on other jobs within the company.

Taking an Exit

As my previous entries have shown the past several weeks have been hard not knowing how things between John and I were. I talked to John a few times the past few weeks, but Saturday morning I woke up to a phone call. John had just landed in New Orleans form Dallas and was coming to see me. I explained to him what had happened with my job and he told me about how things were going with his job.

As it is now, I have no job, no income in a few weeks, and I have to move out of my apt by the end of January. John has to move to Dallas from Houston is looking for a roommate, and is going to be going at the end of January. I also have a chance to go back to school @ UT-A which was one of the first schools I wanted to go to.

Initially when John proposed the idea I was a little afraid and nervous, I still wasnâ€™t sure where things stood. He got to Baton Rouge about 9:30a and we went to get breakfast with Chris. He came back to my apt, did a little work on his computer and then took a nap. It was about 4:30 when we both woke up, I brought John to the lady that cuts my hair and then I went to Centerville to visit with his family.

Last night John and I had a few beers and got to talk, and I finally got the resolution I needed. Spending time with him has really helped me put a lot of uncertain things back into perspective. John has also been helping me further my advancement towards living in Dallas, bringing to my attention the many benefits of staying with him and possibilities for personal advancement.

Given the chance, I believe it would be overall better for what I would like to do in life. It would certainly open a lot of doors that I havenâ€™t had the chance to unlock just yet. The only situation I must deal with is helping Chris find a place to stay. He came to me looking for a roof over his head while he got on his feet.

On the Side of the Road

Iâ€™ve know Chris for a little over a year now. We met through some interesting circumstances, and Iâ€™ve helped him deal with a lot of things that have gone on in the past year. During this last 6 months he moved back to Alexandria after taking a semester off of school, he had asked me when I would be living on my own again and if he could stay with me. At the end of November I found that Bret and Merc my current roommates were moving out into their own apt, Chris asked if he could stay for a few weeks while they were moving out, which I was cool with.

He came to my apt the 1^st week of Dec, It wasnâ€™t until this last Wednesday I took my resignation. The past few weeks I have been looking into an apt or a house for because the current apt I am in, the management company wants to raise my rent to $725. I was looking for a 2 bedroom, something kinda bigger but not much and in a different part of town. Looking around I havenâ€™t had much success given my work schedule. Before I resigned it was hard to go look and see places when they were open.

I didnâ€™t quite except to being not working so soon, and it was only once I kind of hinted at the idea to Chris I might move somewhere other than Baton Rouge that I realized he wasnâ€™t looking for just a few weeks but something a little more long term and thats what i am dealing with now. Now given my history with people, I like to help when I can, and in his case it wasnâ€™t about money, just a place to stay; now I feel bad for inviting him to stay with me only to tell him that I want to move elsewhere far from where I am now.

I am sure he will prolly understand, but I feel he maybe a little upset with me. I hate to make people feel like I am letting them down, which isnâ€™t my intention, however, given the pace of events and the time line I am working with, itâ€™s only prudent that I be straightforward, even if it results in a little bit of emotional exchange. I told myself I want to move forward, I donâ€™t want to take a step back; I just hope this doesnâ€™t damage the friendship I have with Chris.

—-

Iâ€™m in Centerville for another night with John. Iâ€™m off to sleep. It is now New Years Eve and in less than 24 hours a new day, a new year, and a new beginning is going to arrive.

~+>Blue

Workplace Turmoil…

Blue — Tue, 18 Dec 2007 05:11:44 +0000

Things has gotten a little crazy at work….

I came back from a little vacation on Dec. 3rd and I was written up for performance. This is my sales objective part of my job. My job has become so driven towards sales in the last 11 months, by doing the absolute best i can i am @ 93% of my Year to Date performance requirements. I’ve discussed in detail previously how things are done at my job (Wanting to quit my job…..(Aug. 17th, 2007))

Saturday I came into work @ 7:30a and we were 80 calls in queue. That translates to about 8 minutes on hold. For a Saturday that is very bad we usually are never more than a 2~3 minutes in queue. I later found out in a center of 45 people only 13 were here, and all on a voluntary biases. This progressively got worse, by 9:00a we were 180 call in queue. My job is really random when it comes to people, but sometimes there is a pattern to the types of calls. On this day most of the people i got where quite rude and upset about their bills, they were denied (soft disconnected) for non-payment, or had questions about products but no-one was biting. Our goals per day are about $500 to meet numbers. That usually includes one or two good New/Transfer orders. I had not one all day and my numbers were biased solely on Change orders(which are fare less rewarding when it comes to generating te revenure i need to meet for daily numbers).

During the day, one of the supervisors was remotely monitoring my calls. This is a common practice lately each manager in the center now has the ability to listen in on another managers SA (Sales Associate). The manager that happen to be listening to me is the manager of a team who perform quite well in the sales game, not all follow the rules to the T like i was taught, but thats how they do things. She listened in on 3 calls, each independent of each other. The first was a man in his late 70s who called about his bill he was eligible for Wireless and I did not offer to this customer. Another was a call from a lady in NC who had an area calling plan (something i never like to touch in that state for risk of confusing the customer into a headache.) The last was a very rude customer who called in highly upset and was very rude with questions about a change in service that resulted in his bill increasing when he was told it would result in a decrease.

After taking me off the phone twice to discuss these calls, i was put on the spot about what i do for my job. While i very much understand that my job entails sales what i was told by her stuck a nerve that really made me second guess why i even stay in the position i am in. Her words :

If you ran a business and paid someone by the hour to sell your product, and they didn’t do as they were told and just sat around pushing buttons, what would you do? You’d probably fire them wouldn’t you?It really hit me close to home. I work hard and smart in what i do, i play by the rules i was taught, yet this isn’t good enough. It really made me feel pretty bad and as if i didn’t work for the money i was being paid. I now feel this job is sales only and customer service should go out the window, really. I am told i have to make $8500 in revenue in a month that is historically a poor month in which to generate revenue; The value for which i am compensated for the products we offered have decreased which required more sales of items worth less; i have less co workers to help balance out the volume of calls so intern people sit on hold for longer and long times, they become more frustrated and when it comes time for me to transition into the sales part of my job the customer immediately becomes hostile, hangs up, or will forcefully interrupt saying they don’t feel i should, as one customer put it, “badger” them after such poor service. I try to keep my sights realistically when it comes to work.

I have been working really hard trying to apply for a new position within the company in a position where sales isn’t a part of the title, however, i have very little seniority in a company in which seniority can be a deal breaker. I have 2 years with AT&T-SE (BellSouth) and while i passed the test, i can be easily be made unqualified for a job opening because someone from a different city request a transfer do to him/her having a a longer service record than me. The write up i have for performance gets me to the last few weeks of January. I have filed a grievance with the union but i don’t know if that will get me enough time. I applied for 3 different position, one of them the requisition was just closed today. That leaves two other positions, one in La Place, another in Baton Rouge.I also have been looking into other opportunities. I have been wanting to get into field work, something a little more hands on. The past 3 and a half years i have been in Baton Rouge i have worked in Call Centres: West Corp, Convergys Corp, and BellSouth/AT&T-SE. In searching around i have found some positions in where i would like to go one was with Cox (a cable company) the other with CenturyTel (a phone company that services some of the less populated parishes in LA). I put in an application with CenturyTel and as the new year rolls around i may apply with Cox. The only problem is my work experience, while i have been in Telecommunications and have training on field work and the basics of electricity required for the field my background has been customer service.

If that doesn’t go well, or if i don’t find a positon with someone else I also still can go to school, I will have to spend some time @ BRCC to bring up my GPA. I left LSU with a 1.909, i kinda fucked up in ‘06 by not completing the one of the classes i was enrolled in. If i do go back to school i am going to finish this time. I will probably change degrees in Electrical Engineering it is more fitting with what i would like to do now that i have had some work experience. I like the Telecommunications sector, its growing, and its something people need and use. there are plenty of opportunities as new technologies emerge and services are expanded.

I expect the next time i write about work it will be with some positive news, but i take each day as i wake up. i go to work in fear of not having a job any longer, but with the attitude to do my best even if thats not good enough for those above me.

~+>Blue

Stuck in a Construction Zone….

Blue — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 04:20:30 +0000

So that last entry as a little depressing… I will admit i am still quite reluctant to accept what i wrote, but i feel it is a necessary part of growing in my life. True or not, right or wrong, I think that night really helped open my eyes a little. I will say though after taking the time to put into words what i was feeling it did give me time to think through the emotional issues i was/am dealing with.

As of right now i am stuck in a traffic jam trying to get through a construction zone. Although its not a fun place to be, its giving me time to think about what options are available. There are some open lanes, but for now i am staying put because the traffic signs are still changing. One minute things are good, the next they change and the message is fuzzy so i think its best i wait until i get a sign that doesn’t change so much. Unfortunately thats the problem of the traffic jam, but i have become a little more patient. Those of you who know my driving habits me slowing down and even sitting still is quite a change. In this context, I feel it is necessary.

Whatever road happens to be the one i choose i am going to stay on it, i am not taking another pit stop like the last time, i ended up in the ‘hood and almost got car jacked because of a wrong turn and not calling for directions when i knew better. Fortunately i am well prepared now thanks to this time I’ve had to myself.

As i see the world around me changing as i sit in traffic, for a few moments i feel at peace until my mind goes back to beings stuck in traffic. These ever so brief moments of clarity are something that take me by surprise lately. They give a small sense of hope, and a bit of relief, the thought that things might be well in a world full of turmoil. However insignificant and no matter what it is that just so happens to cause these moments, they are truly wonderful. The precious time i have in that mindset remind me of a short time in life i was on a wide open road with only the 18-wheeler to pass ever few miles.

I am going to get there. I will get through this. This is just one of the many construction zones i am going to have to drive through in life. It maybe the biggest one I’ve been in, but it still just a construction zone.

Back to listening to my radio and texting on my cell;
~+>Blue

The Old Highway & Reconstruction…

Blue — Tue, 11 Dec 2007 02:00:03 +0000

This entry is going to be a little different…

A little story…
Back in the mid 1920s to early 1930s many US states began constructing paved roads for automobiles which so many were driving around, back then people where driving cars on paths made for horses so many times ruts were worn into the trails where automobile tires had driven through. These roads went through many small towns and many business lines these roads to cater to people as they would drive through, this is were tourist traps came from, big elaborate unusual landmarks to divert peoples attention and make a stop. Eventually these roads became known as the US Highway System. A good example is Route 66 which used to run from Chicago, IL to Los Angeles, LA; US-90 for those of you in LA is another example.

In the early 1950s a new system of highways came into existence thanks to President Eisenhower, The Interstate Highway system. These roads allowed people to travel from place to place with no interruption. High speed travel, a new beginning. Many major cities saw these mass transportation byways and then by the 1970s and 1980s the whole country was connected. These new roadways embodied American’s love with their automobiles which over many decades transformed a nation. Many of these new roads were built on on clearer paths far from of US Highways that were build years before, but a few still parallel original alignments that what were laid out.

Many people protested as US Highways were replaced with Interstates as links to towns and cities. Many lawsuits took place and many delays before interstates could be finished. Afterwards, many cities that became dependent on people stopping either had to be creative and get customers or risk losing business and income. The replacement with US 66 with several new interstates was fought for almost 2 decades. The route was decommissioned officially, however, those who wish to hold true to the original highway that was paved in the 1930s still can find much of the roadway still intact, many segments and cities along the original route under renovation to signify the importance that this roadway provided to many in its time.

Putting Things Together & Realization

Lately I have been dealing with things that i haven’t quite understood. So many of the things that i had grown accustom to have been thrown into a state of uncertainty. After taking so long to develop many long standing, well worn roads in my life, many of them are at a point where they may be replaced. Some of these new paths are because the old road has just become so worn and out of date replacement isn’t in the best intreast of myself or to what i want to do in life. Others simply need some fine tweaking and a little re pavement to steady the course. A few are just fine and need a little re-marking just to make things easier to see.

My problem, which i didn’t think about until now, is that i have been so caught up in the “what ifs” i have allowed my mind to wonder to so many extremes. If things are meant to be they will. I also have to accept the possibility my opportunities may never be there again. Through the last week, i have spent much time thinking and come to the point where i have to deal with myself and see that such a chance i had may never happen again. It hurts, so deeply to even think it i don’t want to acknowledge its existence, however, is apart of dealing with the reality of the situation

This is why i have been so troubled: I for once have had to step back to think about all the things involved, realize that the world doesn’t rely just on me, but everyone i choose to include even if they are not physically present, that the actions i perform, even those i think to be insignificant, can play a pivotal role in the outcome of events, and being forth-rite of what is going on is worth saying, even when it feels painful or frightening and most importantly when it averts from causing pain to anyone else.

I haven’t had to face this type of life even with such a major person who contributes so much to who i have become. I am looking forward to starting on the drawing boards once again when the time comes, and to not allow the mistakes i so recklessly partook in to ever repeat themselves. I can only think to myself in anticipation that my partner in this project feels the same way and takes to heart how sincere i am.
More about the events in my life later… I’m off to sleep….

~+>Blue

Getting this gut feeling…..

Blue — Fri, 07 Dec 2007 03:59:38 +0000

Do you know when you get that feeling when you just know something doesn’t feel right?

I have been quite anxious while @ work lately because of being written up for performance after coming off vacation, also 3 good people i know at work were terminated while i was gone…

Last week’s events are still resonating clearly in my head and I haven’t spoken to John much in the past several days (This is quite normal really, but i really miss talking to him because of said events)…

I am a having trouble dealing with going out to Splash because of someone slipping something into my drink several weeks ago…
I came to the realization besides 2 or 3 people i see on occasion, and my roomates, i really don’t have an friends in town, only business colleuges…

I am usually quite capable of taking care of myself and issues that come up in my life, but for once i have a string of things that have come together i have never faced before and its a bit overwhelming….

For once i am so paranoid about the decisions i am make i have been cooped up in my bedroom for afraid of being hurt… I feel like a cornered cat that is about to be put in a kennel:I have so much energy balled up with no where to escape to…Feeling alone, anxious, without an avenue to deal with my issues or release valve with a way to do something without feeling vulnerable…

I am not sure exactly what to do….. some of the few things i love to do i am having much trouble trying to get off my ass and do cause i don’t want to feel like i have recently or because i might feel hurt or empty. Its no excuse as to not doing what i love to do, but i am at a loss of energy to stand against myself. The dark side is winning….

I am going to go driving…. one of the few things i can do and not be afraid of what may happen…

~+>Blue